Friday the 13th

This is how I will remember the night.

What I would really want right now

'You know what I saw today. Lots of men in red shirts on motorbikes with red jhandas and for a second I thought the communists have finally taken over.

Turns out they were advertising Wii Tribe internet.'

Enjoy it while it lasts, then take it a step further

Getting to know what people look like act like after imagining them inside your head for so long is like googling for something you've recently discovered and which sounds a lot more exciting than it actually is.

But I'm Feeling Lucky :/

Inward.

I hope you don't notice me constantly staring at you. Imagine the world before men learned to speak and before language was invented. But now that you have it, use it. Stop scribbling inside your goddamned head and just tell me what you're thinking.

$

7k for 4 hours every night 14 nights in a row didn't seem like an entirely bad deal, but it was the prospect of taking pictures under tungsten lights through the far-end of the stage from the distance of the crowd I was really thinking about. There isn't another way to keep away while right in the center. Ushering for a play whose name I didn't know - plus I needed the money.

Meeting new people under half moon conversations and loose change at the juice counter. Broken heels while coming down steps and unexpected gestures which get caught on film if you are clicking every moment like me. Either way the job was for too long, and too tiring, so I refused.

For some reason, everything so far I have earned does not have that intimate pull which people claim to hold over 'hard earned' cash. It's all the same. Paper which crumples when you are press it, metal that buys you temporary happiness. Replace with new happiness, replace with more paper, and Congratulations Mr. Edison, your back account has just been upgraded.

It feels as light as leprechaun even when it is there. Come, go, come and go.... about your account?

You are now a larger part of the Corporate Capitalfuck.

Quick thoughts before hitting the bed

- I'm loving PTCL's 111.111 download speed
- Stanford: what. the. fuck. was I thinking?
- Need a spiritual healing trip to Mulakatiyar, or any other religious centre asap
- Boys are like universities - you never get your first choice.

not enough on my mind to distract me from now.

Another blast... so what's new?

Does anyone wonder how the political situation affects the students? Blasts in universities aside, what about the intensely heated debates which go on every single day, whether one suicide bomber blows himself up or fifty - because the two are intensely interlinked?

I am not even referring to a highly technical involvement. I'm speaking of people my age who have no idea what the Kerry-Lugar Bill is, though they might have heard about it in passing, who are least concerned with the clauses of such a bill but who have to live among its discussions and repercussions whether they like it or not - and what's more important, live among it constantly. The impact is one of disillusionment.

To be distanced from any sort of a detail which affects your life at some point is to live happily among ignorance - and blessings aside, an ignorant man is the most vulnerable. So, what you get, is a certain type of people (generally the upper class) who may dress up wearing green and patrol the streets on 14 august partying the independence away - but who still cannot care less about Rah-e-Nijat because well, they have the passports to get away if the situation gets too volatile to handle. I don't blame them, why wouldn't you, if you can afford a better lifestyle? The topic here, however, is not the individual reaction - but the combined affect.

I spoke about disillusionment, which is nothing more than a desensitizing of political concern. In a country where a normally fluid government screws up, its younger elements are more likely to create an uprising. But where such screw-ups are the norm, and because they are the norm parents try their best to keep you away from them - you do eventually, end up distancing yourself from its sphere (Keep in mind I am referring to the majority of people my age). Where reactions will go, the maximum they amount to is wearing ribbons on your arm (or actually, just sending forwarded messages regarding these ribbons), without much concern for it either because there's so much of it now that you want out, or because you have an easier way out through an international flight to the next university abroad that accepts you.

The detachment established, the point here is that you are still not free from its reins. The direct result of this disillusionment then, is a rising of feelings associated with detachment from a subject you do not fully understand. This may not be wrong, but it is there, every single day. The foremost awareness is that of fear; school being closed due to political turmoil is often looked upon hopefully as a possibility before a particularly nerve-wrenching exam; part of your daily routine would be hearing your parents say 'beta, if anything happens, just go to Uncles' house'; and where thoughts of sudden riots cross my mind every single day before going home from school - I travel alone, and in a rickshaw where the ride averages from 15 - 25 minutes. Considering that we have been conditioned to living in a constant state of 'what-ifs' - the disillusionment does not seem out of place - however, the very anxiety is a result of the disillusionment; where there is no direct concern, there is only a personal concern.

Moving a step forward, because we have grown to accept this state of affairs, we have grown to subsequently, accept the elements within it which may harm us in day to day life without giving much thought to its cause or solutions - since that again, is part of the very element.

A quick recap: disillusionment >> detachment from the political situation, watching it as an outsider >> conditioned to anxiety/fear/what-ifs >> because conditioned, end up subconsciously accepting it's existence.

Let's say someone does bother to look beyond the set pattern above to the ground reality of the socio-political sphere - there might be a short period of surging defiance, or wanting to bring about a change before being reduced to - this time - a more frustrated form of disillusionment. Previously, it was the result of a lack of understanding and now, it is the very result of understanding itself. Either way, it amounts to the same consequence - that he has to live with it and within it.

Maybe now it makes more sense, what I was getting at. The lack of a response, is due to the existence of consistency. Coming back to the beginning; whether it is one bomb blast or fifty - the point remains that the blast has occured and that even if the culprit it caught, nothing much will change. Repeat the cycle, rinse more information out of your head, and repeat again. Soon your conscience is clear and you feel no prick, except for a nagging hesitation when it comes to yourself. So I have created for you the picture of an average teenager (emphasis on the word average): not specifically concerned with the on-goings in the newspapers, living in a separate world most of the while, getting ticked off upon hearing about it because 'Pakistan hai, kuch nahi ho ga.' The rest, they just need a substantial jolt to bring them back to the level of everyone else; for example, a suicide blast outside an Islamic university proceeded by a few "I told you so, no point in staying here with your idealism"s from the rest. And now they have formed a larger collective mind-set, either absolutely unconcerned and mildly frustrated, or mildly concerned and absolutely frustrated. There is disgust at the state of affairs, a constant fear, and no will to fix anything or even to understand it. Rehnay do.

You can bring in an argument here regarding people who are from different backgrounds, but the result is the same. I remember talking to a fifteen year old once who told me that he would gladly blow himself up to earn some money for his family since his brother had done the same. What difference does this reaction make, compared to someone from a higher class - when in both of the cases, what is being done has no relation to the politics of the situation but is rather, a subjective response to the very impact of those politics. This, also being the only response available because it is the only one taught and observed, is most likely to continue unless a change comes about in the trigger itself.

If this the part where I'm supposed to elaborate upon the solution; my idea of one will not be everyone else's. But the point of this post is not that. It is instead to put an end - or at any rate, to lessen - the notion that the 'youth of this country' is doing something, is rising. They are not. They are absolutely unconcerned and the fault could lie either or even both with previous generations or/and their own attitudes. I call myself an idealist, but even then these are just words, though - I have nothing to prove to whoever is reading this because this isn't about me.

... I'm not sure what the outcome of what I'm writing is supposed to be. This is mostly the result of jumbled thoughts of frustration at the government, at the people, and our absolute inability to become stable. What fuels me up the most is the people who are getting educated, but educated only for themselves. What good is such a hedonistic approach? Yes, that's what I call hedonism - not drinking, not getting high or having too much sex - but being absolutely self-involved. It is where corruption stems from, and where balance loses itself.

On a less analytical note;

School is closed for five days - I don't know whether to be relieved, with the amount of work I had piled on, or to drive away blasphemous thoughts in view of the entire situation-is-so-volatile scenario. It goes both ways. On the one hand Rah-e-Nijat is assuaging a certain amount of fear - on the other hand, I finally have time to myself.

Would you consider it ironic to be ending on this note? :) Point noted.

For the original content of this post, however, comments are welcome.

One down

First part of the application gone to Stanford. I think I can promise less posts on university applications now since the daddy is out of the way.

College essay

I don't normally post what I write (officially). This was initially for reference to be able to access it from some other place but I'll let it be. By far the longest amount of time spent on a single piece, one hour of sleep last night and yet by some miracle wide awake like a hawk the next morning in school. I think it's the parathas my mom makes.

I want to write down something about the process here, though; I do not want this to slip my mind later. For once, it had no word limit, and no topic - a thought which is genuinely comforting, because it leaves room to accomodate anything, really. Normally, I dislike deadlines, but this time around I was writing about something intensely personal and something I'd been thinking about over in my head for a long time... it didn't make the act any smoother, but it made every moment of it worth it. Most of the time I get sleepy and give up, but in this case I stared for fifteen minutes on a stretch on the screen before finally typing a word, and yet the interval was never frustrating because my head was too preoccupied. It was a strange high which I feel not too often, but when I put myself completely into the work. I've realised when you feel that, both with the process and the end product, you know you're headed in the right direction.

(Keep in mind I'm applying for an Aerospace Engineering major). Constructive criticism?

---

It is impossible to count the number of stars in the sky.

The casing of the telescope feels smooth against my skin, like the cool of a distant planet. I turn it anti-clockwise, defy gravity. Focus. Everything will soon become clearer, and leave a blacker hole of realisation. I look up momentarily at the sky; the black is a disguise – not the absence of colour, but a cover-up. Beneath, universes are ripping each other apart; supernovae struggling to stay alive, globular clusters commanding entire constellations, pulsars signaling madly…

… while I rely for my sanity on scattered sky-charts, miniscule lead dots which are not only physically distant, but possibly, tangibly non-existent, light years away. Looking for inspiration, I’ve found it in the one place completely out of my grasp.

I shuffle the papers into order. Where was I? Yes, twenty six. Check.

Sky navigation requires an understanding of celestial altitudes. It is similar to mapped life on the planet; no matter where you look up from, it’s the same sky. No matter what latitude or longitude, the Orion fights a Godly war through its constellation every night, while we dissolve into the planet’s pettiness. Forget being specks of dust, we hardly even exist. Such an existence – It makes my breath stop, every single time.

The absolute insignificance of yourself in front of the order of the universe makes it all the more worthwhile.

Thirty three. The stars decided to stay in tonight…

My reason to live is being part of an order so spiritually overwhelming. Whether there is a difference in the degrees of perspectives which look up at this sky or this realization, is irrelevant. Conflict will exist. The diversity of opinions implies that we haven’t really understood our world completely. Once mapped down, though, the shape of Orion is the same.

How many now? Forty two? The planet keeps on spinning.

… Wait. What was that about conflict? Conflict breeds harmony. One cannot exist without the other. Astronomy consists of pure Physics until you set your eyes through the glass; then, it’s just a high between the imagination and some sacrilegious artist. He has made any earthly religion unnecessary for that moment, he has made you pause and relive science and fight back to get his piece of the heavens.

Further conflict is necessary for further harmony. Study gravity to get to a place bare of any.

Forty two. I tap the pencil against the chart impatiently.

It’s insane… nuclear fusion which causes destruction on the Earth is the exact cause for the creation of a breathtaking main sequence star. Orange bursting into yellow blending into splashes of splitting red. A body of fire could self destruct with the earth light years in the cosmic distance, unaware - an entire cluster of paint across the black canvas… Conflict is the claim that energy cannot be created, when northern lights blast across the winter sky defying scientific thought process; all you can see are the astounding hues of blue-green green-blue …

Earth to myself. Where did I stop? Forty two.

Wait, why am I even counting? The predestination of the stars and constellations makes up only part of the sky. The rest of the night, the universe within a seemingly deafening hollow black which even a telescope cannot form a perfect image of – that, is for us to figure out.

After all, its just rocket science.